


Is This Any Way To Start

by betweentheheavesofstorm



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, New Year's Eve, New Year's Resolutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-02-25 19:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13220025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betweentheheavesofstorm/pseuds/betweentheheavesofstorm
Summary: If she sticks to her resolution, this party is the last time Jyn will drink.But then, who keeps resolutions?





	1. Chapter 1

‘I swear,’ Jyn says, between sips of mulled wine, ‘if one more person asks me what my new year’s resolution is – ’

‘It’s a new year’s party,’ Bodhi interjects, before she can get to the threat part of her sentence. ‘What else are they supposed to ask you? What you do for a living? Are you engaged yet?’

‘They could just not say anything,’ she says. ‘I’m a big fan of the ignoring other people thing.’

‘Why come then, if you’re gonna be like that?’

In lieu of answering, she takes a tomato and feta pinwheel from the table next to them. She’s chosen this spot strategically. Not only do other people usually approach and then leave the snack table without stopping, it gives her free rein to eat as many canapés as possible.

‘Nobody I know can cook like Baze,’ she adds, in case it wasn’t clear.

‘Cassian’s pretty good.’

‘Maybe he should host next year’s party, then.’

‘You’ve never seen his flat, have you? It’s _tiny.’_ Bodhi eats a pinwheel. ‘Hey, what _is_ your new year’s resolution?’

‘To stop drinking,’ she says, finishing the glass of mulled wine. ‘Or drink less, anyway.’

‘So you’re doing all your drinking for next year now?’

‘Exactly.’ She sets the glass down. Mulled wine isn’t even that nice, and isn’t it technically a Christmas drink? Maybe Baze had it left over and wants to get rid of it. ‘What’s your resolution, then?’

‘I can’t think of a good one,’ Bodhi admits. ‘I don’t want to think of something totally stupid, but I don’t want to make it unachievable either.’

‘A difficult balance,’ she agrees.

‘I tried looking up suggestions, but they all involved gyms.’

‘What are the other stereotypical ones? You could travel more.’

‘Learn a new language.’

‘Achieve world peace.’

Bodhi snorts. ‘Maybe I’ll do yoga and find myself.’

‘I swear, if you – ’ she begins, but somebody else has swooped on the hors d’oeuvres and starts talking to Bodhi, who’s too awkward not to respond.

She mouths _traitor_ at him as he lets himself be led away. He shrugs, apologetic.

It’s just her and the food table. Pros: the canapés can’t ask her what she’s doing with her life. Cons: she looks like she has no friends.

She picks up another pinwheel (pesto and goats’ cheese) and is planning a raid on the drinks table when Cassian appears, mercifully bearing two champagne flutes. Come to think of it, he might have strategically positioned himself by the drinks’ table.

‘Having fun?’ he asks, offering her one.

‘So much,’ she says. The champagne tastes fantastic after the heavy sweetness of the mulled wine. ‘I can’t wait to get so drunk I black out and forget all of last year.’

‘Was it that bad?’

‘My car got towed and then died when I drove it home. I was dumped twice and my rent increased.’ She finishes her drink. ‘What about you?’

He considers, for a moment. He’s always been one of those infuriating people who look like their life is together. The more she knows him, the more she suspects it isn’t true, but she’s still jealous of the illusion.

‘I was in a car accident,’ he says, eventually.

‘Oh shit. How is that something that you forget?’

‘It was months ago. Nobody was hurt, it was a friend’s car, but it wasn’t great.’

‘I’m sure.’

Baze passes, offering round more wine. Jyn takes a glass.

‘You believe in the new year’s crap about fresh starts?’ she asks.

‘I believe tomorrow’s hangover will make you want to keep your resolution.’ He pauses. ‘I don’t know.’

Whatever he says, he does look better than he did six months ago. Some of the stress has eased from his shoulders and some of the watchfulness has faded from his expression. That’s good; he deserves better than he usually gets.

‘You look nice,’ he says abruptly, taking a canapé from the table. ‘I can’t remember the last time I saw you wear a dress.’

‘Thanks. Me neither.’ She tugs at the sleeve. It’s black and sparkly, not her usual style, but it’s been hanging up in her wardrobe for months. So far, the way it restricts her legs and the lack of pockets is pissing her off. ‘You don’t look bad yourself.’

Cassian looks down. He’s dressed semi-formally, and the shirt-and-jeans combo looks good. Even kind of hot, which is a sure sign that the alcohol is working on Jyn’s brain. Once she’s had enough to drink, anyone starts looking attractive – including her friends.

‘How drunk are you?’ he asks.

‘What, I compliment you and you assume I’ve got to be hammered?’

‘No, I - ’

‘Only slightly,’ she lies. Well, it’s not a total lie; her thought processes are mostly coherent. She can handle her herself. ‘And people keep trying to make small talk. _Hey, who are you, oh you’re an Erso, heir to the family fortune right?_ You can’t blame me for drinking.’

‘Well,’ Cassian says, ‘you _are_ an Erso. People are bound to be curious.’

‘What am I going to tell them? _I never speak to my dad actually, and I live in a shithole of a flat with a rodent problem._ ’

‘You’ve got mice?’

‘I don’t know. I found a bag of flour chewed open last week. Not even sugar. _Flour.’_ And she’s done with the wine. ‘I have no contact with my dad. I swear I’ve told you this.’

‘You never said why.’

‘You’ve done environmental activism. Guess why.’

‘I thought you didn’t care for that _saving the planet_ bullshit.’

‘Just because I don’t chain myself to a tree doesn’t mean I like what companies are doing. And can you actually imagine _me_ being nice and polite at board meetings?’

‘A valid point.’

Cassian would do more in her position. As far as she knows, his family is just like him, not that he mentions them much. But she’s watched him have so many exhaustingly diplomatic talks with colleagues that if he had a corporate sellout for a dad he’d at least try to change things.

‘How was your Christmas?’ he asks, in the ensuing pause.

‘My flatmate was visiting home so it was just me.’ Just her and the mice. ‘It was pretty good, actually. You?’

‘Kay and I did a quiet Christmas,’ he shrugs. ‘I cooked, he decorated.’

‘I’ve heard about the famous Andor cooking. Bodhi wouldn’t shut up about it.’

‘You should come round sometime,’ he says. Right. Because they’re friends, and friends hang out outside of work.

Still, she’s trying to make herself socialize more these days.

‘That would be fun. I’d offer to bring the booze, but you know, the resolution.’

‘That’s all right. You can just cook for me sometime.’

‘Is there any part of me that makes me look like I’d be a good cook? Really, I’m curious.’

He laughs. It’s definitely the alcohol, but she feels a sudden wave of affection towards him. He deals with a lot of her bullshit.

‘Nearly midnight,’ she says. ‘You going to head home after this?’

‘Probably. I don’t need reminding of how single I am.’

‘Right.’ She glances round the room. People are beginning to congregate in little groups. She can’t see Bodhi; he’s probably hiding in the kitchen. He’s wearing a T-shirt with the asexual flag on it, but it looks like he’s taking no chances with the risk of someone kissing him.

Two minutes to go.

‘D’you think next year will be any better?’ she asks.

‘I think it’s useful to think that the future isn’t all garbage. And if I have to deal with you being hungover at work less, that’s a definite plus.’

‘Of course.’ It’s amazing, the amount of work she’s been able to do while feeling like her brain will fall out of her skull.

The countdown starts.

Jyn reaches for a canapé, but between them they’ve eaten them all. She looks at Cassian instead. Hanging out with him while drunk is definitely dangerous. He looks hotter than she remembers him being. Maybe because at work she’s perpetually grumpy, unable to see colleagues as anything other than frustrating allies.

She barely knows anything about his life outside of work. It’s not the type of sharing that they do. Which is fine, she’s not about to get emotional on him.

They’re nearing the end of the countdown. Almost involuntarily, he moves a step closer.

She is to him what he is to her: someone to kill time with in the monotony of their shifts. It’s just that, and it should stay that. Anything else would be more complicated than she has the energy for.

She meets his gaze. He’s got an odd expression, like his brain is has frozen and is waiting to reboot.

 _This is ridiculous_ , the last vestige of her sanity whispers. Hazily, she pushes it away.

‘Happy fucking new year,’ she says, tugging him towards her so she can kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, folks! 
> 
> This is going to be relatively short - probably about 3 chapters long, but I'll see how it goes. 
> 
> If you enjoyed it or have any questions, let me know in a comment :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe her kissing Cassian triggered a chain of events that will lead to the end of the world. She would be impressed, but not surprised.

Jyn’s had some pretty bad New Year’s hangovers in her life. She’s woken up in unfamiliar people’s beds before, or to find her flat entirely trashed, or covered in her own vomit. The first of January is rarely an elegant day for her.

Objectively, this year is not the worst. She wakes up clean and alone in her own bed, no worse for wear aside from a crushing hangover. First and last hangover of the year, if all goes to plan.

She lies there, wondering if she can be bothered to get up and get a glass of water. The inside of her mouth tastes awful, but the energy required to get out of bed is more than she has.

Then the memories of the previous night sink in, and suddenly a pool of vomit doesn’t sound so bad.

The kissing Cassian part wasn’t actually _awful._ She was pretty drunk, but still she can remember some internal acrobatics, and the feeling of his hands in her hair. God, he must have been more wasted than he seemed, to kiss her back like that.

The awful part was the moment they stopped. Somebody nearby yelled _happy new year_ and everyone else was shouting stuff. The noise brought them back to earth and they jumped apart. Cassian didn’t quite look horrified, but he had a definite deer-in-headlights vibe.

Faced with a mistake, Jyn had followed her instinct and fled the scene. Public transport was still running and she wasn’t too drunk to get a bus, so it wasn’t a stupid idea, really. What else was she going to do?

Why did it have to be _Cassian?_ What part of her subconscious was out to ruin everything decent in her life? She stares at the ceiling, wondering if the power of regret will be strong enough to send her back in time. Shockingly, it isn’t.

Across the room, her phone starts to ring. She waits a couple of minutes before leaving the warmth of her bed, then gets up.

It’s Bodhi calling.

‘Have you looked at the news?’ He sounds tense.

‘No. I just woke up.’

‘Do it.’

‘Why? You’re being weird.’ Maybe her kissing Cassian triggered a chain of events that will lead to the end of the world. She would be impressed, but not surprised.

‘You’ll see why, OK?’

‘All right, fine.’ She finds her laptop, opens it and pulls up the Guardian. ‘ _Australia claims the Ashes._ Bodhi, if you rang me to talk about _cricket_ \- ’

‘Look in the UK section.’

‘All right, what…’ her eyes rest on a headline and her words catch in her throat. ‘Fuck off, Bodhi.’ She hangs up, before he has a chance to answer.

Jyn stares at the headline for a few more seconds and then closes her laptop down.

_Galen Erso fired by Scarif International._

Bodhi rings back. She declines the call, which really is an act of self-restraint because she’d much rather scream down the phone at him. Then again, the inside of her mouth still tastes shit and her head has started to pound. Instead of screaming she’ll ignore him. That should do the trick.

If this is how the New Year is going to go, she’s not going to survive it without a drink.

Bodhi calls a few more times as she’s getting dressed. She probably won’t be leaving the house, so sticks to tracksuit bottoms and a baggy T-shirt. There’s barely anything in the fridge. She thinks about coffee and stale toast but can’t be bothered, and eventually heads back to bed. The less time she spends awake means the less time thinking about everything.

A few hours later, she’s woken by somebody banging on the door. Could be another lost takeaway; for some reason they can never find number 28 and so always stop at 26 to ask for directions. Well, a delivery person will have to deal with the hungover mess she is.

‘Twenty-eight is just past the stairwell,’ she says, as she opens the door. ‘It’s really not that ha- oh shit.’

It’s not a delivery person. It’s Cassian.

Because that’s the one thing that could make this day any worse.

‘What are you doing here?’ she demands, once she’s suppressed the urge to slam the door in his face. There’s a sick feeling in her stomach that she suspects has nothing to do with the alcohol.

‘Bodhi sent me.’ At least he doesn’t look happy about it.

‘What? Why?’

‘He said you weren’t picking up, so he called me because I live round the corner and ordered me to come and check on you.’

‘For fuck’s sake. I’m fine.’

‘How’s the hangover?’

She glares.

‘He didn’t say why you wouldn’t be fine, but he was very insistent that I go.’ He leans against the doorframe. ‘Care to explain?’

Jyn steps back, letting him into the flat. It’s a tip, but she can’t bring herself to care. ‘There’s some news story about my dad. He was fired by his own company.’

‘Oh.’

‘I really don’t care, all right? I told you, we never speak. Just because Scarif has realised they can make more money without him…’

‘I understand,’ he says, so kindly she wants to punch him.

‘Look, can we just not do this right now?’

‘Do what?’

‘Talk about – you know.’ Cassian’s normally the person she can complain to about this kind of stuff. And vice versa. She doubts there’s any drama in her life he hasn’t heard about. He’s even got a front-row ticket to this, with bonus audience participation.

And to add insult to injury, he doesn’t even look hungover.

‘I can go,’ he says.

She nods, and opens her mouth to thank him for coming round anyway. Somehow the words don’t form, and he’s out of the door before she’s managed anything.

 

The first two days of the New Year pass without anything remarkable happening. Jyn doesn’t feel any better on the second than she did on the first, but she promised Han she’d go to IKEA with him to replace his perpetually broken furniture. Buying it is the easy part; she refuses point blank to help him assemble it. With their combined patience they’d only last ten minutes before getting angry.

Still, the good thing about hanging out with Han is that he doesn’t ask her how her New Year’s was, or why she keeps dodging calls from all her friends. He knows her well enough to assume that there was some drunken mistake, and that enquiring after the nature of the mistake would be a bad idea.

She’d ask him how many of his friends he’s made out with, except she knows the answer. He might be dating Leia, but he and Luke have definitely had a thing and he’s still mates with his ex. Lando something.

It’ll be fine. She’s overthinking this. She starts back at work again on the third, by which time it’ll be old news. After all, she hasn’t been dodging Bodhi because she’s worried about if he saw her and Cassian.

(He can’t have. He was in the kitchen. But would Cassian have told him?)

No, she’s dodging him because of that stupid news story. He worked six months at Scarif Int. before his conscience caught up with him and he quit. Since then it’s been his pet project. He probably wants to know if her dad has shown up, asking to sleep on her sofa.

And Cassian – well, she’s not ignoring him. She doesn’t message him a lot anyway. This is just one of those days. You can’t blank someone you don’t talk to.

It’s gonna be a shit week, and then everything will go back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean to leave such a long gap in between updates, especially as this is so short! Sorry about that. I can also confirm that this will be three chapters long! And hopefully a shorter gap between this and the next update.
> 
> Also the comment about the Ashes isn't meant to refer to any specific game or series. I don't even follow cricket, but my family all do. 
> 
> Hope 2018 is treating you well!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s not going to make it to work, she realises. And then, with a sinking feeling, she recognises that there’s only one person she wants to talk to about this. Only one person who’s going to come even close to understanding. Fuck.

The third day Jyn has to return to work, whether she likes it or not. To her relief, the others give her space, though after a few hours she starts to feel like she’s being ignored. That doesn’t ultimately matter, though – what’s important is that they’re leaving her alone.

The rest of the week passes in a similar fashion. She shows up, does the job and goes home again. Han doesn’t know anything, so he doesn’t bother her about it. She’s just beginning to think the avoidance tactic has actually worked when another headline happens.

She’s about to go to work when she sees it; the _Guardian_ app sends her a notification. She hasn’t got round to turning the notifications off; she barely reads the news. She only downloaded the app because Bodhi was complaining about people being apathetic to current events.

_An Unexpected Whistleblower: Galen Erso Reveals The Truth About Scarif International._

Jyn stomach backflips, she drops her bag and has to steady herself against the wall. Her hands shake when she tries to tap on the story and she accidentally brings up one about some education scandal. She manages to hit the back button and get onto the right page.

The story loads. She only has to scan the first couple of paragraphs before her legs buckle and she’s sitting on her apartment floor, drawing shallow breaths.

 _All this time_ , her dad was one of the good guys? And he couldn’t fucking tell her? He had to play the role so convincingly that it included making his own daughter hate him?

If he fucking thinks he can come back to her after this, he’s got another thing coming.

She’s not going to make it to work, she realises. And then, with a sinking feeling, she recognises that there’s only one person she wants to talk to about this. Only one person who’s going to come even close to understanding. Fuck.

 

‘Before you say anything,’ she says, putting a hand on the door so that he can’t close it in her face, ‘I get it, I’ve been a brat this week, but I _really_ need to talk to you. Can we just ignore the shit that happened and be friends again for five minutes?’

Cassian blinks. ‘All right.’

‘Really?’ she hadn’t expected it to be this easy.

‘Sure. Come in.’ He opens the door wider and she walks into his flat. It’s the polar opposite to hers: tidy and clean with everything in its rightful place. She used to hang out here more, until she got into an argument with his flatmate. Even though Cassian insisted Kay didn’t hold it against her, she felt uneasy coming back.

‘Kay’s not here,’ he says, reading her mind. ‘He went to Tesco.’

‘Cool.’ She walks past the furniture and sits down on the carpet, her back against the sofa. There’s something comforting about sitting on the floor.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’ Cassian takes a spot on the floor opposite her.

‘Yeah. I called Baze on my way here. Said it was a personal crisis and promised to cover for him next time he wanted a break.’

‘Can I get you anything?’

‘No.’ She stares at the carpet. It’s made of woven grey wool. If she owned it, it’d be covered in stains. She’s going to have to explain what she’s doing here, and the thought of articulating it makes her want to vomit slightly. Until she says it aloud, none of it is real.

‘What happened?’ he asks, as she knew he would. But still gently. It takes a lot to rattle her, and he knows it. Fuck, he’s such a good friend.

‘I.. it’s my dad.’ The words catch in her throat, but she forces them out anyway. ‘Uh, remember on New Year’s Day, when Bodhi made you check on me and I was kind of a bitch?’

‘Yes.’

‘I had just found out that my dad had been fired by his own company.’ She closes her eyes. It’s easier when she can imagine there’s no one else in the room. ‘Turns out, he was fired because they discovered he was collecting information. Information that he just released to the press.’

‘He was a whistleblower?’

‘That’s what they’re saying.’

‘But it’s his company.’

‘According to the _Guardian_ , he was kept in the dark about all the environmental regulations they were breaking. When he found out, he realised he couldn’t change it from the inside and decided to build a case to bring them down.’

‘Wow. That’s… that’s a lot.’

‘Yeah.’ She opens her eyes. He hasn’t moved, but he looks like he wants to.

‘Are you all right?’

‘Honestly? I don’t know. I hate talking about my feelings and everything but I just _don’t know_. Because even if he was secretly plotting he was still _with_ them.’

‘And he didn’t tell you.’

She lets out a shuddering breath. ‘Exactly. I know it was top secret and all but I’m his _daughter_ , you’d think he could send me a fucking _text_ to say “By the way Jyn, I know I’ve been acting like a soulless businessman for twenty years, but it’s all a front.”’

‘Is it better? Than if he wasn’t faking it?’

‘I suppose. I don’t know. It’s not like I _liked_ hating him, but it was easier, you know? It made sense.’

He does move then, scooting across the carpet until he’s sitting next to her.

‘Hey,’ he says, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, ‘it’s going to be all right.’

It’s even harder not to cry then, when she’s got his full permission to. Instead she buries her face in his shoulder, and tries to distract herself with how nice he smells. Not like sandalwood or any of those hyper-masculine deodorants, but just clean, like soap.

They sit there for a while, neither of them saying anything. He’s being so fucking nice, she’s never going to live it down. With his tidy flat and his unstained furniture and the way that he’s holding her without demanding anything, or insinuating that he’ll think less of her for being a mess.

‘Thanks,’ she mumbles, moving away at last. Her face is still dry, thankfully.

‘You don’t have to figure out how you feel about it yet,’ he points out, flexing the arm that had been pinned between Jyn and the sofa in what had definitely been a cramped position. ‘Your dad’s not going to show up on your doorstep. Probably. And if he needs a place to sleep, we can send him to Bodhi’s.’

That makes her smile. Bodhi would probably be falling over himself to help, now that Galen Erso is an activist hero instead of corporate sellout.

‘Are you sure you don’t want tea, or anything?’

‘No. Trust me, I already feel bad enough.’

‘What’s there to feel bad about? You _were_ rude last week, but we’ve established you were under stress.’

‘No. Not _that.’_ She hates herself for bringing this up, and ruining what had been perfect, but he deserves to hear it. ‘I’m sorry for what happened at the party. For… drunkenly kissing you and then running away.’

‘Oh. You mean that.’

‘Yeah. It was out of order; I get that. And if you’re angry with me for overstepping boundaries and potentially ruining our friendship, I get it.’

‘Jyn,’ he says, very slowly, ‘you didn’t overstep boundaries. Yes, you kissed me, but I kissed you, just as much.’

Well this makes no sense.

‘All right, we were both drunk, it was a mutual mistake.’ She frowns. ‘It’s not the sort of mistake I’d expect from you, though.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘You never date. Literally, I’ve known you years and you’ve never gone out with anyone. But this year happens and all of a sudden you’re randomly snogging people at midnight?’

Cassian stares at the carpet, and the obvious hits her.

‘Oh,’ she says. ‘Oh _shit.’_

‘It’s fine,’ he says, with almost enough conviction for her to believe him. ‘I know us being friends is important to you. I don’t want to lose that, either.’

She can’t figure out the words for what she wants to say. Cassian likes her. _Like_ likes her. Has done for God knows how long. And she _likes_ that. She _like_ likes that he _like_ likes her.

‘Fuck friends,’ she says, scooting over and kissing him.

It’s better than their New Year’s kiss, because they’re both sober and warm and she’s not going to run away afterwards. One of his hands is in her hair and the other is on her waist, simultaneously steadying her and pulling her towards him.

Perhaps this year isn’t quite as fucked as she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It won't be too long before I update" I said, after the last chapter. If you've read anything else by me you should know I'm extremely unreliable with predicting my own productivity.
> 
> In case anyone's unfamiliar with it, the Guardian is one of the prominent newspapers in the UK. 
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please let me know in a comment or send me an ask on [tumblr](http://www.betweentheheavesofstorm.tumblr.com)


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